Chris Carter, please shoot yourself in the face

I'd like to preface this by talking about how much I despise going out to the movies. I mean, it costs way too much money, it's dirty, there are lots of other smelly, white-trash morons around, a fucking coke and popcorn costs something like $30, and most mainstream movies suck an ass. The last movie I can recall seeing in the theater was the last Harry Potter movie, and only then because a decent group of DaFTies went together to see it. It was OK. I've not read the books, I'm not obsessed about it, but it managed to hold my attention and my former wife was in it. Big deal, you say. Look, I'm an elitist, smuggish white person who likes to claim I hate TV but spends hours watching Battlestar Galactica and/or Kenny vs Spenny. Walking contradiction, right? Yeah, that's me in a nutshell, if I could find a nutshell big enough to hide in and protect me from the fucking chemtrails and shit.

So this weekend my brother turned 25, and I went up to the Fort of Worth to visit him and his friends. On Saturnday, the local movie place has $4.50 movies before 6. I wanted to see the new damn Batman movie because if there is one thing I love, it's seeing people who are dead before thier prime perfrom for my amusement. Alas, everyone else had already seen it, and it wasn't playing around that time, and etc. whatever. So we decided, or rather, Steve decided for us, that we needed to see X-Files 2: Complete Waste of Fucking Time.

So it starts good. I mean, the music is cool and all, it's the X-Files theme, so it was hard to fuck up. Doo-dooo-doo doooo doo doooooo. You know, the X-Files theme. It's killer wicked killer. I can't get it out of my head! Oh, the movie goes downhill from there. After the credits, there is some duder leading a buncha cops to a severed arm. Turns out, he's a creepy pedophile priest who somehow became psychichly connected to this alter boy he fucked in the ass. Oh, I'm sorry, let's say 'buggered' like they do in the movie. Same fucking thing. Spoiler Alert! This movie sucks balls. I mean, oh, look, some Russians (Really? fucking Russians? This is the best they could crap out?) captured some girls who all had the same blodd type. Why? To keep the lung cancer ridden body of the now-gay former alter boy alive via the methods seen in this video:


Yep. They based the entire movie on a grainy stupid two year old internet meme. I first blogged about it at least months ago on my top-secret LJ . Who fucking cares. They arrive just in time to save the bitch, imagine that. Oh yeah, for a few minutes, they provided a 'love' interest of Mulders, because him and Skully can only fuck, but have a relationship. Also, they imply that they had a kid (?) and it died in childbirth. Oh yeah, the new bitch? She gets killed after about 10 minutes and Mulder doesn't seem to give two fucks of a shit. I sure didn't.

The only X-Filesy thing about this movie was the two seconds we saw a dog with two heads. Then Mulder smashed it with a hammer.

The whole movie was like one of the bad episodes of season 2 or 3 from the show. You know, the ones that were not memorable, and you felt like you were obligated to watch it because it might contain a secret to the 'puzzle' of cancer man and aliens and Mudler's sister? It was just like that. Only it lasted longer and costed more and contained previews for five or so similarly shitty movies. I hope you enjoy your money, Gillian Anderson, you washed up whore. Even with your red hair, I wouldn't fuck you anymore. Go back to being a cum-guzzling gutter slut. Mostly, I wish to disgrace Chris Carter for releasing this pile of shit. Thanks, assface. May you get a nasty VD that impairs your ability to achive an erection, you filthy talentless hack who makes movies solely to ring in the money from gullible suckers who haven't been laid since the late eighties and earn thier income by blogging about shitty sci-fi movies and working the register at the local comic shop.