Be safe and drink lots of clear piss, as you say

The cartoon to your aboveness won the coveted "Science Idol: Scientific Integrity Editorial Cartoon Contest". I think it's pretty brilliant. Damn those monkeys! It's us vs them! More info about that contest and some commentary at A Blog Around The Clock.

Here is the unintentionally hilarious email my mommy sent me today: Good Morning! I am off to work with XXXX today so depending on phone service where we are I will try and call or will talk to ya tonight when you get to DFW or Reno. I love you and hope you have fun and meet lots of people. Be safe and drink lots of clear piss, as you say. I will try to keep up on the computer to see whats happening.

I guess she thought I was talking about shitty beer when I tried to describe the concept of 'piss clear' to her. Well, I'll drink some pee-pee for her now I guess.

So 'So Long and Thanks for All The [Random Commodity](pluralized)'. I'll be leaving for DFW @ 3:30 and then meet the brother there and then ZOOM to Reno and then tommorow ZOOM to the playa. Hopefully I'll see some of you out there. Otherwise, see ya when I get back. Later, gators!

This is how I feel right now

Ah, so I'm kinda getting all my playa stuff done today. I still have to wander about and get a crapton of hair bleach, I need to shave designs into parts of me, and...uh, more. I wanna get some henna. So I've got a busy ass motherfucking day today.

Other than that, I haven't really been keeping up lately as much as I'd like to on this blog. It doesn't help that I'll be gone for nearly two weeks. Just imagine me saying clever things, and ranting about a movie or something. Make some sexual innuendo with stupid words.

So Rodney Anonymous started blogging again! He's one of my favorite bloggists. Also former lead singer of the Dead Milkmen (who are playing Austin in November!) He's currently writing a 12 part thing about Caligumas, a new holiday he just made up. This made me do some research into Caligula. For the most part, I'll let you read about him, or better yet, read Rodney's blog. Anyhoo, the wiki article has a coin from when he got rid of taxes (see, he wasn't all bad...) But notice what they put right in the middle of the damn Quadran - (which means 'quarter' in Latin, as far as I can tell.) - a liberty cap mushroom top. Yes, one of the most well-known sources of psycicybin. Hmmm....maybe that explains all the crazy?

But wait. It turns out that there was actually a hat that looked like that back in those days so...maybe the world will never know. I think I'll still believe what I want, and that he spent his days eating shrooms, fucking like a madman, and marrying his horses. I mean, that's pretty much what I would have done too, or will do, if I get the power and money. I'd bring back some gladiator style fighting with convicts, that's for damn sure. And lions fighting bears fighting people too. I can't wait! Vote Twi today! Too bad he got all stabbed and killed and shit. I'd love to live in a world where Caligula rules. Hooray insanity in rulers! (Except Bush.)

Half-Assed Blog Day

Holy mother of jebus, the season finale of Venture Brothers came out yesterday - and it's brilliant. It took me a while to get into this show (I jumped on just as the second season ended) but it's really probably one of my favorite cartoons ever. And I love cartoons. Sometimes, I even lust after thier women - take Dr. Mrs. The Monarch for example. I'd hit that. I mean, as long as she didn't talk, because that voice is something else. Anyway, check out the final episode of season three. If you haven't seen the show before, start at the beginning - that's what I had to do. It's shines in it's charactors, and if you don't know them, the show can be kinda confusing.

NEW FEATURE: Food reviews. Since I'm tapped for real ideas, I think I'll start reviewing things that I stick in my mouth. OK, well, things that I stick in my mouth that I intend to digest and not pleasure. Sometimes I do both, in which case I'll review it, if that's cool with all parties involved. Anyhoo, to start with, I think I'll turn you all on to my personal favorite pizza in Austin, Yaghi's Pizzaria. I love pizza, by the way, and Austin has like a million awesome pizza places - I love the Parlour and East Side Pies - but I simply adore New York style pizza. Maybe it's because I worked with REAL AUTHENTIC ITALIANS at a REAL NEY YORK STYLE PIZZA PLACE in Watauga, Texas, called Tony's Pizza. (They don't have a website.) So I'm picky about my pizza, sometimes. Usually I'm of the opinion that pizza is like a blowjob - even if it's bad, it's still awesome. But Yaghi's is totally beyond what expectations I had. I've been eating there for lunch for months now (the Wm. Canon one is right by my work) and they have a 4.99 lunch special daily. Check it out. It's fucking good. Go try it! RIGHT NOW. Do it.

The Rooster Chronicals: Part IV

His eyes were distant, perhaps focusing on some genetically predetermined thoughts on the afterlife he would soon embrace. I had his body draped across my arms loosely; there was no struggle, despite my continued taunting and heckling previously from beyond the gate of his cage.

"I'm going to kill you."

"You are going to die."

"I am going to murder you in cold blood, you stupid motherfucker."

And yet even at the time, despite my sophomoric costume and alcohol-infused sweat, he saw right through my crazed blue eyes and didn't even register my insults. He stared back in awe as if English were nothing but a collection of irregular Neanderthal grunts, never once displaying any sign of weakness. Or fear.

We now approached the chopping block. Me and my sacrifice. I again looked deep into his eyes, this time searching for some excuse, some sign of intelligence, some evidence of a soul. And I found nothing. It's as if the rooster were as immobile and expressionless a piece of grass. Fucking birds.

I bent to one knee as if to propose to a stump of wood and gingerly inserted the head of my cock between the two nails. His eyes finally glared back in apparent shock - alas, but it was too late my friend. Alas. I had not been the judge. I had not been on the jury of his peers. But the executioner must work just like the tax collector or hatter - yeah, even more so - for without men of my type, who would liberate the inflicted witches of Our Faire Townne?

The lovely assistant chosen to accompany me grasped forth upon the scaled, pronged feet of Our Dear Byrd. She pulled tight. I grasped the blade-handle with a tender loving squeeze, likening it to foreplay. Then I clamped on the handle, raised the blade, and prepared to swing.

Suddenly, at the last minute, the phone rang - it was the Governor! There had been a reversal! The rooster let out a squaw of relief!

Alas, that was all an illusion brought about by the blade of the knife striking upon the delicate vertebrae. I swung hard, but not enough, for the neck made a disjointed tear - and roosty was loose! In a mad dash, his defiant head was placed back bettwitx the nails. Whack. Whack. Whack. And finally, Whack.

Five times. Yes, it took five god-damn times to separate the glorious head of Heloise from his body.

I was suddenly covered in a fine, warm red mist and the taste of copper invaded my closed mouth. My eyes stung. I felt the warm rush of release that typically accompanies an orgasm, only this time, it was the morbid rush received when one releases another from this mortal coil. I was now a man.

Driving sucks a big ol' fat dick

So if there is one thing I hate about driving, it's just about everything. I fucking hate cars, I hate driving, I hate other drivers, and I hate being in a car. So there, I said it. But also, I despise those fucking morons like the jackass fucker behind me today who insist upon those giant ass bright as fuck headlights that blind me. At 6:42 in the morning, the very, very last thing I want to deal with is two tiny suns blaring into my eye sockets no matter what I do. So what do I do? Yes, I'm the fucker who slows down when this type of retard is behind me. Significantly. And red lights? Yeah, maybe I don't notice they turn green for a little bit. And then, oh shit, looks like my car was in neutral for some reason. Ha ha, fucker, that will teach you to blind me with your stupid laser beam headlights and retard ass-licking. Oh, yes, please get in the shoulder and accelerate past me. That would make me ever so happy. Goddamn worthless fucks.

So that's how my day begins. Well, actually, it begins with a nice bowl of HEB brand Blueberry cereal and some HEB brand soy milk. Yum yum! Brekkers of champions. If you are not in the know, I say 'brekkers' instead of breakfast. Something me and the brother came up with. So, that and some coffee. Drive to work. Log in. Start all 3,000 programs I have running. Open Firefox with 2,355 tabs. Read all the damn blog posts. Play my Fallensword. Then I try to think of something clever to write here. Then...well, I doodle a bit sometimes, make lists, dick around. Sometimes I work. Fun times.

Oh, someone found a bigfoot corpse. Yeah, big news. They plan to reveal it on the 15th - make sure to check it out at www.bigfoottracker.com. Now I'm not a genius or nothing, but I'm just gonna make a small wager here and say it's a fucking hoax. Anyone wanna bet otherwise?

Oh Russia, plunge deeper into my Georgia!

Have any of you guys ever hit anything while you were driving? I mean, like a dog or a chicken or a penguin or some shit? Well, once I hit a racoon. It went 'THUMP' and I kinda just kept on driving. I assume it is dead by now as that was about 12 years ago. If you are like me, you visit poetv.com daily. That's Portal Of Evil TV in case you were confused and thought it was a buncha videos of the Raven. Well, my latest, favoritest video from that site has to be this one. This girl hits a bird and...well, as the comments say, "She's a screamer, not a moaner."

Hey, did I yet mention that the Dead Milkmen - one of my personal favorite bands of all time - will be playing this November in Austin for the first time since the bassist killed himself?

Man, nothing is scarier than sharks, right?I mean, they have the strongest bite strength in the world. Well, great whites do - and they surmise that the most awesome and coolest shark of all, the megladon, had the strongest bite of all things ever. I mean, the fucker ate whales for breakfast. And every single time I've tried to eat whales for breakfast, all I get is really bad blue diarrhea.

Hey everyone! One last biscuit of information - tonight is the Perseid meteor shower. Stay up late, grab a foldy-chair, and sit yo' ass outside and watch the broken falling pieces of American economy. I mean meteors. Whatever, just enjoy the natural beauty of the planet instead of your LCD monitor and/or television. Or at least be fuckin' if you are indoors tonight. Sheesh. It'd be nice if you could move some mountains a little bit closer to us too. I mean, we could climb up on all top of them like they were cans of beans, setup a small shade structure, and drink the night away watching the magic of HD real life star gazing. Also, rumour has it, if you catch one of the 'shooting stars' on your tongue, you get access to this secret bonus level, where if you run fast enough and collect enough coins, you can earn up to seven extra lives! Fuck yeah! Nevermind, it was last night. Fuck. Thanks, Michelle.

Jim's Mullet

This is a picture of my friend Jim's mullet. For the longest time whenever you googled 'mullet' on google image, you would find this picture as the number one mullet. And I agree - it's the stereotypical mullet. If, one day, you were to tell me I would meet the funniest person that I know, and you told me, he's got a fucking mullet like none other, I would have scoffed at you. And probably tried to bite you as well, just because that is the kinda thing I enjoy doing. Well, I leaned on Friday night that Jim is no longer the number one mullet in the land of the tubes - oh, the shame! He says he needs people to blog about his mullet to get it back into number one. Well, this week is Jim's Mullet week here at Synchronicitwi. So please, if you have a blog, just link to this damn picture.

Oh, by the way - Jim cut his mullet right after Flipside this year. And Fark.com once had a photoshop contest about it - check that out here. There were some pretty damn amazing entrees. If you'd like to learn more about the being known as Smiley Jim, check out jimhateswork.com.

Other than that, I'm pretty out of ideas about what to blog about. A bunch of people died this weekend. Um, Russia invaded Georgia or something. The Olympics are happning. I didn't really do much other than work on Get Lost stuff in preperation for Burning Man. Check out Dave's awesome fire thing! If you are coming out to the Gerlach regional this year, I'll be at Get Lost (2:00 and J-K). Come see me! It'll be fun times, I'm sure.

I CAN HAZ WIN!

Look, I beat all the levels and the damn game! I guess I still have some amulets to get. Oh, they promise a sequel. Oh, how I yearn...

Crystal Pepsi: Myth or Fact?

I'm not sure what I was doing when I was a younger person. I mean, I really can't rememeber shit about my childhood. It's like everything that happened to me from birth till 23 or so is a void. This leads me to believe that I am not from this planet. So if you ever hear me talking about how I'm an alien and just here for a little bit, I really mean it. Usually. What can I say? It's like seven hundred people inside of here. Damn. Oh, where the fuck was this rant going? Something about children perhaps. Um...Oh yeah, we dropped a bomb on Hiroshima yesterday. That fucked up some kids, lemme tells ya. But again, that's not what I wanted to rant about today. Well shit me a brick. See folks, this is why you shouldn't blog at work - you may have to stop mid-thought and do some work. Hey, why don't you guys start getting me book deals already? How many fucking animals do I have to kill?

Here is some filler from something I wrote to someone else about something else:
[About getting into Burning Man]...You may have to kill a few of the 'greeters' (Which are now highly skilled Blackwater employees) and make sure to bring a few gallons of moss to sleep on. You'll be inhabited on both sides by the path of the righteous man - watch out for the one wearing the stupid hat. He's got some mojo risin'. Did Steela get her groove back? Anyways, you're gonna wanna sneak past the three-headed unicorn riding the mantis shrimp. And the next step is vital: avoid, at all costs, succumbing to the erotic wailings of the beached mermaids, for they are nothing other than dying manatees who have been propellered from people not idleing thier boats in the murkey skank-infested waters of St. Pepsicola, Florida.

Also: Happy birthday, James Randi! Randi, everyone's favorite skeptic, turns fucking 80 today. Wow. Also, in case you don't keep up with the skeptic blog-o-sphere, Bad Astronomy's Phil Plait is now the head of the James Randi Educational Foundation. Go pay a visit and say hi to Phil. If you have any interest in space, I'd highly suggest subscribing to Bad Astronomy. It's quite the fun blog, and both of them are very awesome people. I'm a huge reader of Science Blogs. See? Blogs can be totally educational and not just a stupid hipster 'hey look who's fucking this guy and wearing this stupid fucking thing blah blah woof woof'. I guess this blog doesn't really have a theme yet, per say. That's what I need to do, is find out what I want to report about, then like do it. Sounds easy, right? Well, it's hard enough for me to come up with enough words to make myself feel like it's an appropriate length for an entree for today's meal in the blog. This is pretty good, right here. Nice size. Good job.

Why I haven't been blogging these last few days...

Yes, I'm been caught up in a fucking web game. A flash game, none-the-less. And a tower defense game to boot. But this one is different and awesome and addictive and all manor of evil. Also, the sudden leap from blogging whenever I feel like it to trying to come up with something each day is slightly harder than not doing anything but playing web games. I'm even slacking on my blog readings, dear readers. All three of you.

So my work is usually pretty slow these days, and I do spend a lot of my time at work dicking around online. GemCraft has been lately my favorite one to waste time on - I stayed after work an extra 10 minutes to finish a round on Monday - but there are others. In case you are unawares, a great site to visit is 2FlashGames; they have lots of games and shit to play there. Also, the blog Jay Is Games is pretty great, that's where I first head of GemCraft. The only other game I play with regularity is the ultra cheese-fest browser RPG Fallensword. I whore that one out a lot because if people sign up with my link, I can earn FallenSword Points. So there.

Well, I've already gotten past my start-blog-block. The only thing I really had in mind was to point out that in two days, I have watched two movies. As you might remember, YPF starred one of my early twenties television crushes, one Carly Pope. Man, I can't get her out of my head. Well, I'll be double-fucked ten ways to next Tuesday if the very next movie I saw, Wristcutters:A Love Story starred...the other fucking half of Popular, Leslie Bibb. She wasn't really my type - I'm not so much of a blonde, ditsy type myself - but this just goes to show why I named this blog Synchronicitwi and not CoincidenceTwi. Damn, I need to hire some writers - that wasn't funny - like this guy, who outsourced his blog to India.

Well, go watch both these movies and the whole first season of Kenny Vs Spenny and you will see the things I have watched the last few weeks. Really, if you are like me and just download whatever TV you wanna watch like when you are falling asleep or during foreplay, Kenny vs Spenny is something the whole family can enjoy - if by whole family you mean yourself and your girlfriend, and one of you is an alcoholic, and the other is a pot head.

Young People Fucking

Despite being what I think about every seven seconds according to common myth, today's blog title is basically going to be my review of a movie by the same name. [Can you tell I'm only partially here in the head right now? That sentence barely makes any sense.] Anyways. So I'm talking about this Canadian film called, in case I haven't made any sense so far, Young People Fucking.

In a nutshell, the title pretty much captures the theme. The movie is broken into five parts, one of which was orgasm, the others, I don't recall. Something about foreplay or some such nonsense. Since when does sex have to have stages? It should be like a trip to the post office. You go in, do your business, go out, and go about your merry way. Shouldn't ever take longer than 2 minutes, tops. And that's if you start with clothes on. That's why I typically rent all my whores by the minute. I've got it down to an art - someone should offer me a book deal. Speaking of book deals and blogs, guess who just got a fucking book deal? Yeah, the Garfield Minus Garfield guy. With the blessing of Jim Davis to boot. Where is my fucking book deal?! C'mon people, get on it. I promise to send you roses and signed copies and shit. For money.

So they introduce these five couples - there's like, first date, and 'the ex's' and 'the couple' and um, 'best friends' and uh...damn. You can look it up if you really wanna know. It's easy just to maybe watch the damn movie. So it follows these couples around for a bit, shows some nice simulated oral sex, occasional flashes of some really nice bodies, and the occasional nipple. It was around this time I thought I recognized one of the girls. Some part of my brain clicked, and I was like, man, that girl is so hot. It seems like I know her from somewhere.

Does anyone besides myself rememeber a show that was on the fledgling WB called 'Popular'? Well, if you were me circa 1999, you were living with a semi-bitch fiance who didn't believe in leaving the house often. This included Friday nights. But the one good thing about Friday nights was a clever little show on the WB called 'Popular'. I was a semi-satirical high school show. The had it's drama, and it's cliques, and it's sports, and cliches, and the like. But I thought it was truely clever. The charactors where well written, the scripts were typically funny, and the girls were very much desired by me. Well, not the snotty ass ones. The 'under dogs'. Specifically, the charactors of Sam and Lily.

Lo and behold, the girl I was strongly compeled to lust after in YPF was none of then my beloved 'unpopular artist/nerd girl' from Popular Sam McPherson! Or, if you wanna get technical about it, Carly Pope. She was born in the same year I was! Holy mother of god. Also, Vancouver? Fuck yeah! Anyways, after seeing her in YPF (she really doesn't have the best part, but it was cute. I mean, it's totally cliche, but look at her. Yowza.) I think I may need to get a fictional divorce from my fictional wifes Helena Bonham Carter and Olga Kurylenko (according to sharia , I can only have four wifes at a time, apparantly, not six like this police man.) and gain my new beloved Carly Pope. I mean, she's already a fucking pope (just like you and me and everybody..) and she's my same age (and we are both monkeys in the Chinese zodiac, which makes for plenty of abusrd monkey sex and poop throwing, if the zoo has learned me anything) so I think this is a match made in heaven. Or Canada. Whatever.

As for the movie, yeah, SPOILER ALERT everyone has sex. There ya go, I saved you the thirty minutes it takes to download on bittorrent you from having to Netflix it or whatever it is you children do these days. I personally paid money for it, because anything else would violate RIAA codes n' shit. Also, educational purposes only. No dumb porposes here. Go rent/buy this movie, you will enjoy it. And if you watch it with a friend, you will probably have to pause the movie to have sex a few times. I mean, if you are into that kinda thing, and these are some hot people.

Oh and a dude gets fucked in the ass by a girl with a strap on too. Yummy.