Last day of this worthless place

Whelp, today is my last day of this stupid job. After today, I'm going to attempt to provide something more than just a link dump here. And although I'm an OK limp-dumper, I hope to be an average, adequate blogger. My goals for the new year (other than the ones that involve less drinking, better eating, and more exercise - which will all fail within a week) are to blog coherently and with a purpose; likewise I wish to work more on my art and other things that actually mean things to me, instead of wasting most of my waking hours in an unfulfilling cesspool of human waste.

Asshole RIAA no longer suing folks like me. Hooray.

Rachel Ray tries to murder innocent little puppies with poison dog recipe.

David Copperfield, once a magician, is now resorting to breaking people's arms with ball-peen hammers. Or fans, whatever, I don't read this shit.

OK well, see ya folks sometime.

Humpday HotLinkSex

Happy Bill of Rights day! Well, it's technically a few days late, but be sure to refresh yourself on what this country was really founded on. Hint: It ain't the bible. But it is the Wright Brothers' First Flight Day. Also, if you are robbing a place, don't let a ghost keep you trapped there. For three damn days. Might as well use a fucking programming language to decide your religion.

Interview with Meatwad. Yes, it's as good as you'd think.

No cake for you, Adolph Hitler. Also: ugliest parents ever; in every sense of the word. And they probably take turns weighing themselves to see who gained the most weight after every meal...

Tiny swiss watch found in 400 year old Chinese tomb. See, my damn time machine does work...

You guys remember 'America's Most Wanted'? How the dude's own kid was all head-chopped-off and such? Well, it turns out it was a dead guy. I mean, he's dead now. It's actaully the same guy who confessed twice but was never charged because the police totally screwed up the case. Oh well, at least they got a TV show out of it.

Send your damn shoes to the G.W.Bush library! Or, better yet, the White house.

It's cool either way, because the government says “Marijuana availability is high throughout the United States.” Well, that's good to know. Great job eradicating drug use in America, fellows. Heckuva job.

Shoe-ster!

This never gets old...

This is my last Monday at this job. Thank the Grande Cloud-Master JVHV! Alas, his Lordship Cloud-Master JVHV has caused massive coldness to befall the Austin area, yeah, even unto freezing rain upon my head, and windshield, and all mannor therof of my person, and yeah, it was cold. And is cold, and shall be cold, for his name was the LORD.

Science on the Simpsons - too cool. It embiggens my heart to see such things.

Well shit I'm leaving now, that was a short stupid blog.

Amazing Friday Circus of Nonesense!

Come one, come all, welcome to the wonderful Friday circus!

Marvel at the amazing Antikythera mechanism! Fucntioning and on video for the first time ever!

Enjoy monkeys riding dogs like horses! Holy shit that's cool!

The infamous asshole preacher Kenneth Copeland's 3.6 million dollar jet...is no longer tax deductible! Finally, Texas has a brain. For a second. (Side note: Once, with a former girlfriend, back when I was still pre-twenty [a 'teen'] I went to one of these shitty churches. It was horrible. I think it was Easter. Anyway, damn this man and his plane and church.)

Complements of Fark, we get the greatest Hot Dog Vendor case ever. The defense - "This loose hot dog, over there, and this side, packaged hot dog, you know? Packaged hot dog. This is not open. You know? And down, a hot dog, put it.". So good.

Quote of the day - "Question: When are we are going to rampage?
Answer: As soon as we pull our head out of our ass and realize we don't need cell phones and internet to rampage." - Sloan

Finally, I found a great site all about the Adams' family. Great reading and scans of papers and notes and shit. Sweet.

And finally, enjoy 'Powder 2: Powder 2 The People'.

Thursday: Partly cloudy with a strong chance of stupid links

"The very concept of Christmas contradicts and conflicts with the foundation of Islam. Every Muslim has a responsibility to protect his family from the misguidance of Christmas, because its observance will lead to hellfire. Protect your Paradise from being taken away - protect yourself and your family from Christmas." - Crazy Muslim Lawyer Guy - Well, I can't argue with that. And remember, Communism Kills!

A guy named Pheuk Kue is a sex offender? Who'da thunked.

While you are wasting your time online anyway, why not let Prez-in-Soon O-Bamamamama know how you feel about marijuana here. NORML says to do it, so you better fucking do it. I mean, according to this study, more 10th graders smoke pot than ciggies. That's progress.

Be sure to check out The Top 10 Anomalous, Dubious, Hoax, Events And Links Of 2008. Oh, the things people do for their fifteen minutes. Since we're on top ten lists, why not the Top 10 Experiments ever? Like when they put three mental patients who claimed to be the second coming of Christ all in the same apartment as roommates for two years. Now that's science...

After having finished the HBO series 'John Adams' (which I would give a million stars to, if they were mine to give. Well played, Mr. Giamatti and pals!) I've been on an early American history binge. If you've never been to John Locker check it out - it's a huge listing of streaming online documentaries. Given, a large number of them are about alien shape shifting politicians and the New World Order and other bullshit, there are a bunch of good ones in a series called 'Liberty' I have been watching. They are pretty good and very educational, and all the speaking parts are based on real letters, pamphlets, and journals. Their John Adams, however, is no Paul Giamatti. If anyone is paying attention, I would like one of those powdered wigs for X-mas, please. A nice one. One I can wear to the next Contenental Congress. Sometimes I wish I had Hypertrichosis. Then I would never need a wig...

My Humps: The Day

Oh hey, it snowed here last night. Sorta kinda. I went for a walk, started to head back because it got super cold suddenly, and then it started raining freezing cold water. Then more. Then I got home and suddenly it's all white and wet and shitty and wow, good thing I decided to head back when I did. Stupid weather. Notice I still had to work - and to top that shit off, I forgot my tasty, warm coffee at home next to the coffee pot. Fuck shit piss. Next time I'm graduating from the Psychedelic University to get my psychonaut license. A wonderful proposal; and of course, it would be located in Amsterdam. Then I could smash the universe as if it were made of glass.

Some German science magazine named after Max Plank was doing a special on China - so they decided to put a classic Chinese poem on the cover. Trouble is, it was an ad for a brothel. Maybe make sure you have at least one person who can read the language on your cover before you send it out to thousands of people. Just maybe. "Our young girls are elegant northern beauties with attractive physiques." Indeed.

Surely you've seen this by now - the top 50 trip scenes from movies. It's good, I'm sure, but to be honest I haven't seen the ones I haven't watched in movie form. Because I don't have the time right now, I'm too busy playing stupid tower defense games in between calls.

Eh, deal with a short blog. I'm feeling cold.

The most wonderful thing about Tuesday is the 'Ues'.

First of all, you simply must see the progress on the clock! Holy bezowbers cool, you say? Why yes, my good sir or ma'am, it is bezowbers cool. Not as cool as say, getting all fucked up on GHB and extracting 18 of your teeth with pliers, but almost. Also, unrelated in any way, shape or form, dogs can feel envy. And my friends, and fellow patriots, always, always remeber that "There's nothing more natural than a beaver."

Seems there is a justice boom somewhere in the world - the Wonderful World of Television, that is. According this this entertaining and enlightening article, there are now over a dozen - and they are a mockery of real justice because every so-called judge is nothing more than an arbitrator. Anyways, check out lines like "Explicitly moral, obscenely didactic, showcasing a perversely distorted view of the American legal system, justice porn is a potent, ubiquitous presence in our lives, and at least as influential as the cartoon mayhem of Saints Row 2 or Young Jeezy's latest ode to thug life." Thank you, Reason!

Hey, I've got a great idea. Since old people are so good at everything else and don't fuck up everything, let's give them guns! Guns they can use with withered, arthritic fingers to shoot minorites that happen to stroll by the nursing home. True Story: A few days ago I was walking around, minding my own business, and I passed an old people building with some people out front. If they had had a gun, I'm sure they would have blown my fucking brains all out. Old people: Don't trust them. They will try to kill you at some point, probably to drink you blood because they think that will make them younger. Stunning Fact: Old people are immune to garlic and often shit themselves. Who do you trust?

Stolen from Boingboing / this guy.

Happy Happy Happy - oh nevermind it's Monday.

Be Happy! It spreads. Now if only I could follow my own advice.

I guess I can't get pissed you guys don't leave enough comments - you come here to learn, not to comment. Heh, you learn from me. I should be getting paid. Meanwhile, Mormon missianaries are finding bigfoot tracks in B.C. They are wrong about other imaginary things, why would they not lie about this?

What do you guys think when cops set a trap and catch criminals? 'Baiting' as it were? Say, setting up a car to get stolen or some shit like that? Well, quasi-infamous former cop Barry Cooper, of the 'Never get Busted' series of how to stash and hide your drugs did a little experiment recently. Essentially, he rented a shitty house in Odessa, TX (I hate that city) and started growing two little Christmas trees in a closet with grow lights. Less than 24 hours later, the cops busted him. Completely illegally, on live web cam and hidden audio recorders streaming to an offsite area. Turns out the cops lied about everything to get the warrant - saying they had eyewitness accounts of plants being grown and that they could smell it. Well, looks like they got busted...Hopefully, this will prevent other incidents in the future and finally show how bad cops will go to any effort to obtain a warrant. Video here. Good job, sir.

Oh, have I mentioned I hate my fucking job? Alas, only 9 more days...Speaking of my shitty work, they are about to propose a 'reverse stock splitting' action to try and raise the price of the stocks above 1.00...otherwise the '...New York Stock Exchange that its stock was out of compliance with a standard for continued listing on the exchange for not maintaining a minimum average closing price of $1 per share over 30 consecutive trading days.' Ha! Ha! Stupid fucking idiots, I hope the whole thing collapses and the inept management has to find some other company to sink.

Finally, let us all remember John Lennon. He's still dead.

Why even bother putting a day between Wednesday and Friday?

HM, the famous neuroscience patient, died yesterday. He had horrible, incurable (in the 50's) epilepsy, so they decided to hack and slash various parts of his brain (including the majority of the hippocampus on both sides of the brain, along with the amygdala and parahippocampal gyrus.) The result? No more seizures - and no new memories, along with a host of other mental difficulties. He was made into a famous case study in 1957, and more recently for his work in crossword puzzles. (Thanks be to Mind Hacks for all the information and links)

The holidays sure do encourage drinking - looking for something more interesting to do with your empty beer cans and liquor bottles - besides stacking them precariously on top of passed out acquaintances? Why not make a bunch of alcoholic holiday ornaments! Yes, you too can create your own 'Three Wise Men' (Jim, Johnnie, Jack), Santa and reindeer, and other worthless, smelly crap to pawn off on your friends and family in lieu of actual presents. Or you can get them tickets for Star Wars: The Play.

Holy shit, they found a use for text messaging - helping a surgeon amputate. Yeah I don't really understand either, but apparently all you need to be able to be a surgeon is the ability to read crappy text and hack flesh. "ok cut n2 arm. shit blood brb" Also, from the article - "It is not clear how the boy was injured. It was suggested that he had been bitten by a hippopotamus while fishing, but Mr Nott also heard that he had been caught in crossfire between government and rebel forces." Um, how can you not tell the difference between a hippo bite and a gunshot? I guess weeks of decay and infection and a massive language barrier. Damn evil hippos! Watch out for their bloodthirsty evil teeth.

Finally, does anyone know a cure for my teeth rotting out of my head and falling out in tiny chunks when I floss? Oh, go back in time and take care of my teeth? Totally, as soon as my time machine is invented. Fucking teeth. I hate them. Speaking of things I hate, I'm putting in my two weeks tomorrow...wish me luck!

Wodensday FURY

I'd just like to take this oppurtunity to say a big Fuck You to the City of Austin utilities. Their ineptness in billing caused me to be billed $200 over my bill. So, they say I oe $188, I say 'pay bill' and then today I'm out $388. WTF. Which makes me short on rent, which I already sent in. So I freak out, call the damn place, wait on hold for 10 minutes, talk to an indiot, and they are refunding it. via check. Which will take 2 weeks. Which means I'm screwed. Thankfully, the wonderbrother and superpappy are borrowing me temporary monies. On the down side, this means I have $10 till...next next Friday. So I'll be accepting beer and whatver else you wanna gimme gimme gimme. I can pay back in 'Life Fluid' or maybe an anecdote or a story or something. Or when I get my refund check from these bloodscukers. [End Rant]

Suspended animation - more than just science fiction. Yes, this wonderful scientist has essentially invented a way to suspend life as we know it- all detectable signs of life - then re-animate it the next day. So far, it's short term, but the possibilities are there.

Imagine being able to remember everything about your life. Absolutely everything - all the joys, the love, the triumphs; every date and time, TV show and radio. Every word of ever book you have ever read. Sound like fun? Well, it's more of a hellish nightmare, seems like. All the bad stuff too - every insult, every harsh word, every mistake. Yikes. Well, this lady remembers absolutly everything about everything that's ever happened to her. I wonder if heavy drinking can solve this problem. Medicinal Whiskey, anyone? Really, they gave it to the sick and blind as a public service. Just what we need, a buncha drunk TB patients. Oh wait, it was just a way to serve booze during the prohibition.

Totally awesome glowing mushrooms in Japan! They are bioluminescant; but they just look pretty, they don't contain any substances that may alter the mind. Still, I'd love to have a front patio decorated with such fungus.

The Clockwork keeps ticking along...(Hi Dave!) be sure to check out our progress and updates updated until New Years, when the giant clock burns!