Young People Fucking

Despite being what I think about every seven seconds according to common myth, today's blog title is basically going to be my review of a movie by the same name. [Can you tell I'm only partially here in the head right now? That sentence barely makes any sense.] Anyways. So I'm talking about this Canadian film called, in case I haven't made any sense so far, Young People Fucking.

In a nutshell, the title pretty much captures the theme. The movie is broken into five parts, one of which was orgasm, the others, I don't recall. Something about foreplay or some such nonsense. Since when does sex have to have stages? It should be like a trip to the post office. You go in, do your business, go out, and go about your merry way. Shouldn't ever take longer than 2 minutes, tops. And that's if you start with clothes on. That's why I typically rent all my whores by the minute. I've got it down to an art - someone should offer me a book deal. Speaking of book deals and blogs, guess who just got a fucking book deal? Yeah, the Garfield Minus Garfield guy. With the blessing of Jim Davis to boot. Where is my fucking book deal?! C'mon people, get on it. I promise to send you roses and signed copies and shit. For money.

So they introduce these five couples - there's like, first date, and 'the ex's' and 'the couple' and um, 'best friends' and uh...damn. You can look it up if you really wanna know. It's easy just to maybe watch the damn movie. So it follows these couples around for a bit, shows some nice simulated oral sex, occasional flashes of some really nice bodies, and the occasional nipple. It was around this time I thought I recognized one of the girls. Some part of my brain clicked, and I was like, man, that girl is so hot. It seems like I know her from somewhere.

Does anyone besides myself rememeber a show that was on the fledgling WB called 'Popular'? Well, if you were me circa 1999, you were living with a semi-bitch fiance who didn't believe in leaving the house often. This included Friday nights. But the one good thing about Friday nights was a clever little show on the WB called 'Popular'. I was a semi-satirical high school show. The had it's drama, and it's cliques, and it's sports, and cliches, and the like. But I thought it was truely clever. The charactors where well written, the scripts were typically funny, and the girls were very much desired by me. Well, not the snotty ass ones. The 'under dogs'. Specifically, the charactors of Sam and Lily.

Lo and behold, the girl I was strongly compeled to lust after in YPF was none of then my beloved 'unpopular artist/nerd girl' from Popular Sam McPherson! Or, if you wanna get technical about it, Carly Pope. She was born in the same year I was! Holy mother of god. Also, Vancouver? Fuck yeah! Anyways, after seeing her in YPF (she really doesn't have the best part, but it was cute. I mean, it's totally cliche, but look at her. Yowza.) I think I may need to get a fictional divorce from my fictional wifes Helena Bonham Carter and Olga Kurylenko (according to sharia , I can only have four wifes at a time, apparantly, not six like this police man.) and gain my new beloved Carly Pope. I mean, she's already a fucking pope (just like you and me and everybody..) and she's my same age (and we are both monkeys in the Chinese zodiac, which makes for plenty of abusrd monkey sex and poop throwing, if the zoo has learned me anything) so I think this is a match made in heaven. Or Canada. Whatever.

As for the movie, yeah, SPOILER ALERT everyone has sex. There ya go, I saved you the thirty minutes it takes to download on bittorrent you from having to Netflix it or whatever it is you children do these days. I personally paid money for it, because anything else would violate RIAA codes n' shit. Also, educational purposes only. No dumb porposes here. Go rent/buy this movie, you will enjoy it. And if you watch it with a friend, you will probably have to pause the movie to have sex a few times. I mean, if you are into that kinda thing, and these are some hot people.

Oh and a dude gets fucked in the ass by a girl with a strap on too. Yummy.

Chris Carter, please shoot yourself in the face

I'd like to preface this by talking about how much I despise going out to the movies. I mean, it costs way too much money, it's dirty, there are lots of other smelly, white-trash morons around, a fucking coke and popcorn costs something like $30, and most mainstream movies suck an ass. The last movie I can recall seeing in the theater was the last Harry Potter movie, and only then because a decent group of DaFTies went together to see it. It was OK. I've not read the books, I'm not obsessed about it, but it managed to hold my attention and my former wife was in it. Big deal, you say. Look, I'm an elitist, smuggish white person who likes to claim I hate TV but spends hours watching Battlestar Galactica and/or Kenny vs Spenny. Walking contradiction, right? Yeah, that's me in a nutshell, if I could find a nutshell big enough to hide in and protect me from the fucking chemtrails and shit.

So this weekend my brother turned 25, and I went up to the Fort of Worth to visit him and his friends. On Saturnday, the local movie place has $4.50 movies before 6. I wanted to see the new damn Batman movie because if there is one thing I love, it's seeing people who are dead before thier prime perfrom for my amusement. Alas, everyone else had already seen it, and it wasn't playing around that time, and etc. whatever. So we decided, or rather, Steve decided for us, that we needed to see X-Files 2: Complete Waste of Fucking Time.

So it starts good. I mean, the music is cool and all, it's the X-Files theme, so it was hard to fuck up. Doo-dooo-doo doooo doo doooooo. You know, the X-Files theme. It's killer wicked killer. I can't get it out of my head! Oh, the movie goes downhill from there. After the credits, there is some duder leading a buncha cops to a severed arm. Turns out, he's a creepy pedophile priest who somehow became psychichly connected to this alter boy he fucked in the ass. Oh, I'm sorry, let's say 'buggered' like they do in the movie. Same fucking thing. Spoiler Alert! This movie sucks balls. I mean, oh, look, some Russians (Really? fucking Russians? This is the best they could crap out?) captured some girls who all had the same blodd type. Why? To keep the lung cancer ridden body of the now-gay former alter boy alive via the methods seen in this video:


Yep. They based the entire movie on a grainy stupid two year old internet meme. I first blogged about it at least months ago on my top-secret LJ . Who fucking cares. They arrive just in time to save the bitch, imagine that. Oh yeah, for a few minutes, they provided a 'love' interest of Mulders, because him and Skully can only fuck, but have a relationship. Also, they imply that they had a kid (?) and it died in childbirth. Oh yeah, the new bitch? She gets killed after about 10 minutes and Mulder doesn't seem to give two fucks of a shit. I sure didn't.

The only X-Filesy thing about this movie was the two seconds we saw a dog with two heads. Then Mulder smashed it with a hammer.

The whole movie was like one of the bad episodes of season 2 or 3 from the show. You know, the ones that were not memorable, and you felt like you were obligated to watch it because it might contain a secret to the 'puzzle' of cancer man and aliens and Mudler's sister? It was just like that. Only it lasted longer and costed more and contained previews for five or so similarly shitty movies. I hope you enjoy your money, Gillian Anderson, you washed up whore. Even with your red hair, I wouldn't fuck you anymore. Go back to being a cum-guzzling gutter slut. Mostly, I wish to disgrace Chris Carter for releasing this pile of shit. Thanks, assface. May you get a nasty VD that impairs your ability to achive an erection, you filthy talentless hack who makes movies solely to ring in the money from gullible suckers who haven't been laid since the late eighties and earn thier income by blogging about shitty sci-fi movies and working the register at the local comic shop.