"The very concept of Christmas contradicts and conflicts with the foundation of Islam. Every Muslim has a responsibility to protect his family from the misguidance of Christmas, because its observance will lead to hellfire. Protect your Paradise from being taken away - protect yourself and your family from Christmas." - Crazy Muslim Lawyer Guy - Well, I can't argue with that. And remember, Communism Kills!
After having finished the HBO series 'John Adams' (which I would give a million stars to, if they were mine to give. Well played, Mr. Giamatti and pals!) I've been on an early American history binge. If you've never been to John Locker check it out - it's a huge listing of streaming online documentaries. Given, a large number of them are about alien shape shifting politicians and the New World Order and other bullshit, there are a bunch of good ones in a series called 'Liberty' I have been watching. They are pretty good and very educational, and all the speaking parts are based on real letters, pamphlets, and journals. Their John Adams, however, is no Paul Giamatti. If anyone is paying attention, I would like one of those powdered wigs for X-mas, please. A nice one. One I can wear to the next Contenental Congress. Sometimes I wish I had Hypertrichosis. Then I would never need a wig...
Just yesterday I caught a trailer for a movie that captured my bloodshot eyes - 'Special' - the trailer is available here. This is the kind of movie I think I could adore; except, as has been pointed out in the POETV forums, we know know the beginning, middle, and end of the movie already. Someone's review described it as 'donnie darko meets superman' - I can bite into that.
Giant trained rats will soon take care of all our troubles. I don't know about you guys, but I approve of our furry new overlords. Oh wait, it's just to have them get blown up on land mines? And sniff out cases of TB? Well shit, count me in!
True Blood had it's series finale last night. Since it just got added to the dictionary, I'll say 'meh'. It was OK. That's all I'll say. For an HBO show, it really lacks everything I want to see. Yeah, there is blood, but not HBO blood and violence. Yeah, there is sex, but not HBO sex. And acting? C'mon, the only one worth a damn on that show is the guy who played E.B. Farnum on Deadwood. (Which I will finish tonight. After clockwork..damn, another excellent show that could have gone on and on.) Everyone on the show is a whiney bitch. And when they introduce new charactors, they are all whiney bitches. (I.E. New vampire chick? 'Look at me, I'm suddenly a bitchy whine-box!' Really? C'mon!) So, if you want to see a semi-decent vampire show not aimed at pre-teens (I'm looking at you, Twilight!) check it out - the whole season is available on the tubes in different places. Don't expect decent HBO quality or you will be disappointed; but if you want something that is at least quasi-entetaining with a cajon feel and really, one of the best intros to a show since Dexter, check out True Blood. Otherwise, save your time for watching re-runs of Who's the Boss.
Speaking of TV shows, I watched the first episode of Firefly last night. Again, 'meh'. I'm no fan of Joss Whedon, but I want to give this show a chance, since I do love Sci-Fi and I hear it's brilliant. It's gonna be hard to upset Battlestar Galactica as 'Best Sci-Fi Show Since DS9' but...I'm open.
I voted. Hey, what if someone re-enacted the whole election as a D&D game? That would be kinda dorky, and less cool than the first few lines would have us expect. Oh, and what's this I hear? A brand-spanking new episode of Kenny Vs. Spenny? Hooray 23rd! Holy mother of Christ on a jumping-springboard, it's Mole Day! Happy Mole Day, happy 23rd, Hail Eris! In honor of today's day, make sure to ingest a mole of your favorite chemical.
The other day, one of my co-workers said 'We are in Awesome, TX' - at least that's what I heard. Except, if this place was really that awesome, I bet we would have a lot more edible foliage. Like trees made out of candy and shit of that nature. Austin is pretty cool. I still miss a beach, though. Nothing is made of candy here except the candy.
Remeber Mr. Green Genes, the glowing cat, from yesterday? Well check out this video!
Hey does anyone have a new job for me?
[EDIT] Sorry, forgot to publish this t'other day...
What an exciting day of human activity and nonsense! Why not start your day off on a foot of some sort, perhaps fresh from sleeping with your big stuffed fish? Yes, why not? WHY NOT INDEED. I watched the last few episodes of Home Movies last night. You simply must watch them all. What a brilliant show, I'm gonna miss it. You won't miss, however, this fucking flourescant glowing cat!
So according to two people I know, I have a stye in my eye. It sucks. I want it to go away. Methinks it's something worse, and I'll probably end up dead or blind because of it, but I'm an optimist and shit ever so. It is more of an irritant than anything else. Oh and it's ugly as sin to look at up close in a mirror, which is the only way I can see it, since it's in my fucking eye.
Durf durf durf I've been updating my twitter with random irregularity latey - join me in my quest for followers (who will buy the book I will one day sell, assuming I do write it and all.) If you aren't on this shitty cocksmoking bandana ride, don't get on. Just find something else to do.
Oh great, now it looks like Enraged Cunt Palin can't stand cats. I know, who cares, right? I'm not much of one to like cats. But I do like wolves and bears, and she's all about letting motherfuckers hunt them from helicopters and shit. "...many hunters found the practice unsportsmanlike, since it violates the "fair chase" ethic, and animal rights activists call it inhumane, since airborne gunmen rarely get a clean (i.e., relatively painless) kill. In response to concerns like these, Congress passed the Federal Airborne Hunting Act of 1972, which made it illegal for hunters to shoot animals from a plane or helicopter." I mean, hunting is one thing (I'm not too kean on it, but at least there is a minor amount of 'sport' involved in running around the woods in camo shooting deer) but from a fucking helicoptor? She also hates polar bears. Stupid bitch.
Well today my nose is all stuffed up again. I wonder what I should do to cure it...Oh hai, I kin haz mazturbate? Yes, it seems that ejaculation helps clean out the ol' nose-hole. I do believe this needs further testing. Like, right now. Gimme a second...
Finally, in honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day (which I don't much care about) comes this clever little joke:
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender remarks, “That steering wheel sure looks uncomfortable.”
The pirate replies, “Arrrrrr, it’s been drivin’ me nuts all day.”
And I'll leave you with this quote my uncle sent me: "Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned." - Gautama Buddha
Douchy douchebags, how we hate thee - such as Enraged Cunt Palin. ECP, as I call her, had her stupid Yahoo! account hacked. Wanna see? It's right over here on WikiLeaks! (As of...early ass this morning, the wikileaks site took a crap; probably because everyone in America wants to see her personal emails about having a retard baby and her other preggers child.) UPDATE: Some screen grabs and her contact list can be found here! Looks like everyone is finding out what a stupid cunt you are, Palin. Maybe you and McCain can go make retard babies in some other country.
One of my faithful readers (Since there are like 5 of you, if you are reading this, than there is a 20% chance it's you. Thank you, College Algebra!) sent me a link to Badass Of The Week. It's a great site that reviews, well, different bad-asses. And it's updated once a week, imagine that! The writing style is beyond awesome and reminds me of myself. Take, for example, this line about Attila the Hun - "Attila and his brother inherited the Hun Empire in 433 after their father died for some reason nobody gives a shit about.". Or maybe this great one from the article about Jean Hatchet - "In June of 1472, Duke Charles the Bold of Burgundy was a fucking dickhead. He was such a complete and total jackass to everybody that the King of France had officially declared him a traitor to the crown, and Charles – who, like I just said, was a fucking assclown – got his panties in a wad about the whole thing, raised an army of douchebags and started turning the French countryside into a giant raging inferno of suck." It's educational and entertaining! And it will totally meet your qouta of cusses to regular words. Because it satisfied mine, goddamnit. The only downside I see is that this site needs an RSS feed - every site on the web should have a fuckin' RSS feed, so the only page I'd need to check (in theory) would be my lovely lady lumps. I mean my Google Reader. God bless you, google. Until you decided to not follow your motto and become evil. Well, some people already think you are... Also located on this site is the 'Miscellaneous Articles' section, where we find such classics as "Things I've Eaten For Money" and "The Unofficial Guide to Working at Staples". A great find.
And check this shit out: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com. It's just what you think it is. A collection of passive aggressive notes. But they are brilliant and funny and remind of myself sometimes. As a person with more moods and random shifts in personality, sometimes I'm passive aggressive. Sometimes I'm regular agresive, sometimes I'm passive-passive. Whatever. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.
I really can't stop listening to my ragtime station. It's been the only thing in my ears for almost a week now. Scott Joplin and James Scott are two of my new favorite composers. Also, Gerswhin did a fair number of ragtime tunes. It's like a whole world of music we've been deprived of. So go getcha some head phones or speakers and check 'em out. Use the internets to simply follow this amazing link to my Pandora station. It'll blow your fucking socks right off your toe-tappin' feet.
Speaking of things that smell, Enraged Cunt Sarah McPalin. BOOSH! No, actually, she's a complete fucking lunatic who doesn't know shit from shineola. According to this dude, Among other things, she declared that she was a young earth creationist, accepting both that the world was about 6,000-plus years old, and that humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time...I asked how she felt about the second coming and the end times. She responded that she fully believed that the signs of Jesus returning soon "during MY lifetime," were obvious. "I can see that, maybe you can't - but it guides me every day." Well, that's good to know. It's like Bush 2: Bush Dumber. If that many people really think an old man who invented the Blackberry and stupid bitch face enraged cunt are the people who should lead us, let's just destroy this shithole of a country once and for all and start over.
Do you know what else our Political Overlords, specifically the DHS, did? Well, of all the places in America to put a Level 4 BioHazard site, they chose one right in the fucking path of hurricane alley. Yes, Galvaston! Fortunately for every living thing around, it wasn't fully functional or built yet, and nothing bad leaked out of it. Except Galvaston is now covered in shit and mud and dirty condoms and such, so now it looks like Padre Island.
How come all these rich assholes only care about money? And oil? And bullshit? I donno, but over across the pond (That's England, to you Americans and other ill-informed folks) a bank manager literly stole from the rich and gave to the poor. It's a great read, and for the most part everyone seems to be on his side. Except that he's in jail now and his wife left him with the kids. That'll teach him to be a human being.
Ever wonder where I get some of these off the wall stories, like this one about re-chalking the Giant Man With Erect Penis thing over in England? A wonderful little site known as The Daily Grail. It's a fair bit of woo, often full of bullshit, but a wonderful collection of stories, cryptozoology, Holy Grail nonsense, and other fun stuff. I'm personally a fairly hardline skeptic (about 50% of the time; it comes with being a Gemini. Or being bi-polar. Or both.) but check out The Daily Grail and subscribe to thier feeds if you want. I love it.
As a former smoker, you'd think I would want to like, ban it or some shit. Actually, I think banning smoking everywhere (even outside!) is a bit extreme. I personally don't give two shits in the wind if people smoke around me outside. Or in a bar. I'd prefer people not smoke in my car, but I also know how much awesome it is, so I still let people. It's retarded to try and change people's behavior by banning something - we have learned from prohibition and the War On Drugs that this does not work. All it does is create more criminals. Stupid fucking state.
Finally, I'll let Coach McGuirk wrap things up here.
Once again, I've not much to say. I missed a lot of sleep this weekend for some reason and it's really taking a toll on my brains. But instead of just ignoring my clamoring fans and worshipful minions, I'll take yet another oppurtunity to share some totally awesome links with you. All of these are stolen from (or direct links to) different feeds I subscribe to - if you want more, my shared feeds page is here. Richard Wright, longtime Pink Floyd keyboardist, went to The Great Gig In The Sky yesterday. I'll be sure to dedicate my next getting high session for you, Richard. I guess he's been playing with them off and on since the Syd Barret days. Set Your Controls to the Heart of the Sun! But watch out, because the solar rays might melt off your angel wings and you will fall to your death. Mwahahahah! Watch out for Evil McCains on your way, too.
Speaking of getting high, the United States of America, my native country, just set a record for the number of marijuana arrests in a year! Go America! We arrested 872,720 people for pot last year! FUCK YES! WE ARE WINNING THE DRUG WAR! Oh those, 775,138 were for possession. Jail time for possession. Yes, awesome! We only arrested 597,447 for all violent crimes. Because, you know, putting people in jail for pot is what we excel at. Violent crimes are one thing, but smoking pot! That leads to...uh, being high? Which is, uh, a crime, I guess? Goddamn this country. Hey, it's only costing us between $10 and $12 billion dollars a year. That' s like a week or so in Iraq, guys, and we NEED to win this War on Arabs Terror. But hey, guess what? Congress is about to celebrate the 75th aniversary of the repeal of alcohol prohibition. Hey fuckos - take note - it didn't work with alcohol and it sure as fuck doesn't work for drugs.
Spekaing of Idiots Who Run Our Country, ugly, ugly John McCain - look how EVIL you look! Dirty bastard. Next time, might wanna get your pictures taken from someone that doesn't hate your guts and is known for taking pretty pictures of primates. I guess now she's uh, not that desirable to be a photographer. I swear if McFucktard and Enraged Cunt Palin win, I'm moving to another land and time. If you wanna see more Photoshopped McCain pics from Jill Greenberg, find out how here.
A Retarded Baby on the Republican Ticket - I'll just let the title speak for itself. (From the looks of things, McCain has been eating lots and lots of babies! Look at that fuckin' blood!)
Well, everyone else seems to think Damon's the second coming of Christ because he noticed that Crazy Bitch Tits Palin was a worthless person. Gee, Matt, what school of politics did you graduate from? Liberal Bitchfest College of Worthless Actors? But I digress...Allow me to fill you in on the happnins of teh interwebs - sort of organized, but mostly the random myself bullshit half-assed bloggery you've come to love. Or hate. I could care less, as long as I get that big book deal soon... Enjoy wonderful music as the economy collapses around you! Check it out, I made this totally awesome Ragtime Pandora station for you to re-live the horrors of the early 20th century, as we repeat them today! Now with MORE GLOBAL WARMING!
Hey, has anyone else read 'A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius' by Dave Eggers? No? Well, go fucking buy a copy of this book right now. It's one of the best works in the last decade for sure, for sure. And after you read it three times, check this parody of Harry Potter written by the (As of Friday at 9:30, via suicide) late David Foster Wallace. I've never read any of his novels (Infinite Jest is supposed to be one of the great novels of the century - maybe I'll check it out now that he's dead. Since I can only be cursed to love dead novelists. Except Vonnegut. Oh, then he died too. Stupid humans with thier mortality...) but I've read some of his shorter works. Once again, we lose a brilliant mind to...himself. Damn free will! Damn the availablility of things to hang yourself with!
And let's wrap things up with some more Republibashing:
P.S. ZOMG TEH ECONOMY IS DESTOYED!!! JUST LIKE TEH HURRICANE SAID!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Ah, but that we could vote for fictional charactors to lead our fictional democracy. Not that I'd vote for Luke. Or Mark Hammil, despite his comedic awesomeness and ability to laugh like a fucking maniac. Jebus, I bet that gets old fast. I think I'd love to be a voice actor. I mean, you get to act, but not really. You don't even have to wear nice clothes or shave or even be sober, really. What a douche.
I guess if I had to choose a fictional representative to lead my country in taking over the world, I'd probably pick Abraham Lincoln. I mean, he's got that hat, and a beard, and just like Santa he brings toys to all the good little boys and girls.
Forgive me for a second. I'm out of ideas. My brain is straining to come up with something funny, something to amuse you. I've shat out a long and ranty depressive missive this morning in a tightly locked LJ post - how very emo of me - and it took about all that I had in me to make it express my feelings without being too straight-up emo. That's hard work, mixing somber tones with comedy.
Comedy as it is is difficult. Take, for example, this thing I thought up yesterday. I wrote on my hand 'CAR' on my hand to remind myself to take my car back to Just Brakes. Yes, I'm linking to them. This particular store kicks all sorts of ass, the manager Mace (like the charactor Samuel Jackson played on the shitty Star Wars!) was super helpful, he literlly showed me the inside of my brakes and fluid levels and all that shit, explained it all, etc. Anyways, so I have to go there and get something else installed today. But I digress - the CAR thing - I was like "Man, how clever it would be if someone was like 'Why do you have car written on your hand?' and then I could be all 'Oh, it's because I've been using my heliocoptor for transportation lately and I don't wanna forget I brought the car'." As it turns out, no one asked, so I forced my hand, and it wasn't nearly as funny as I had priorly imagined. I guess it wasn't a crime of passion, but premeditated. I should stick to ad-lib.
But seriously folks, you've been a great audience. Speaking of talented comedians, not like myself, somehow Mitch Hedberg released a new CD from Beyond The Grave. I'm sure it's great. I really, really loved that guy, but at the same time, I really, really loved heroin for a while myself. So, shine on you crazy diamond. At least you got out before all this McCain pig lipstick dshit. Yeah I'm not even gonna rant and rave today. No clever Palin sex talk. (She's still sore from last night's marathon buttfuckery, in case you were wondering.)
Wow, I love that little comic to the left there. Thanks, PZ! (Iffin you click on the pick-shore, you can be hyper-linked into the wonderful world of SciBloggist-Athiest Extraordinaire P.Z. Myers, one of the interwebs most awesometastic bloggists.)
Well, that's one way to start the ol' blog a'rolling. So next week, or the week after that, I'm not really 100% sure, I'll be back in training. Basically, I work for a company (not This One) that is massive. The portion I work for does outsourced tech support for such people as the City of Chicago, AMGen, and (until December) TSA. Anyhoo, the company I support got bought out and has thier own tech support now. My last day supporting them will be Sept. 20th, after which point I will find another company to support. So I keep my pay and shit, but will be doing different work. And since they have been slowly taking over support for the last few months and reducing our call load to about nothing, it means I'll have to actually do some work. Which means less blogging. Not that I have been on top of things much lately, but I digress.
Oh yeah. That fucking cunt, Palin? Check this out - it's some 'erotica' I wrote for Austin-Chat.
Sarah Palin stood at the top of the stairs, her cunt raging with rage. Moisture gripped her hairless (laser removed at tax-payer expense) inner thighs, dripping, salting her ragged Levi's(tm) brand jeans. She gazed thoughtfully into the eyes of the only man known to quell the rage of her cunt - her biologial father, John McCain. McCain's infected man-pole squirmed it's head out of his American Apparal(tm) Speedo style swimming trunks. He pulled them down further to reveal all erect two inches of his age blotched engroged member, the tip glistening with long-forgotten and sluggish DNA carrier tadpoles. Sarah blushed, removed her strained overcoat, and freed her Alaskan Malamutes. The reflection of thier bobbling in McCain's eyes caused her to gush even more. "Now there's a raging cunt!" exclaimed McCain, as he prematuraly shot his load into his own stomach...
From there they go on to have a few kids, many of them with Downs Syndrome. And then a mean unicorn comes and eats them. Speaking of unicorns, here is a picture of me fucking one. As you might be aware, unicorns are my most Hated And Feared Enemy. It all boils down to the fact that they have horns, and when we fight (Twis, as a species, usually like to ram our heads into eachother as a sign of hatred. Or love. Or horny-ness.) I keep ending up being dead since they have this big fucking horn that pierces my skull every fucking time. So I hate them. Except this purdy little thang, I'll bang him all day long. Take it! Take it, Bastard, take it! Mwa hahahaha!
Well kiddos, that's about all I can think of for now. Keep up the good fight. Stab or fuck any unicorns you see running about. Avoid American weaponry. Yep yep.
(I've got sporadic time on the intertubes these last few days at work - here is some drafts and repostings for your enjoyment. I don't even feel like editing this. I'm wasting both our times today!)
And it now appears that her 'book banning fiasco' was a bit over the top and kinda unfounded. Yeah, she's a stupid cunt bitch that I despise, but there is no reason to spread lies. The truth is more than enough to cause complete mission failure. Let's keep things in the reality, folks - lies hurt everyone. (I can't believe I just wrote that.)
Wanna make the perfect Bloody Mary? Once again, lifehacker has the goods. And I'm totally gonna try the vodka-infused-with-peppercorn. Sounds...yummy.
http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/ -> Virtual Spider. You can feed it, watch it, etc.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/discoblog/2008/09/08/archaeological-surprise-grave-site-full-of-phallic-figurines/ -> Lots of ancient penii figures.
http://www.realitysandwich.com/stop_seeking_paradoxes_spiritual_path -> Paradoxes on the Spiritual Path
http://www.overcompensating.com/posts/20080908.html -> LAWLZ Street Terlet! hahahahahahhaa!!
Yep. I've actually been back in Texas since Wednesday, but things have been busy, what with work and my garden and all. Everything grew ginormous and I spent hours yesterday harvesting jalapenos and basil and stuff, weeding, re-aligning the tomatoes and squash, and finally killing the massive 'weed' in the middle of it all. I'm pretty sure it was a weed now. Oh well, it's dead now, haha!
The playa was great as always. Ran around fucked up a lot. Saw many old friends. Got sunburned. Shittons of great art. Great camp. Great times. When I got back, my hair wouldn't go back to normal so I ended up shaving it all off. It feels weird and I don't like it much, but oh well.
It seems the only things I missed are political. I don't much care who runs the show anymore. We get jackass number one, who seems all sweet and nice but won't actually change a damn hopeful thing, or jackass number two, who will make things worse. I'd prefer them to improve slightly, so I'll back the dumbocrap. Also, that ugly bitch vice-cunt-wannabe that McCaneAbel picked infuriates me to no end. Not that I care too much. Also: the violence at protestors is getting way the fuck out of hand. They are arresting journalists and beating everyone around. America is a fucking joke. Freedom is not present. This can't go on much longer.
Also, what do I have to do to earn this patch? I wish I was a giant dragon that just went around burning huge pot leaves for the government. I guess that's pretty much what the DEA does. "Hey guys, lets claim millions of pounds of marijuana destruction. Except most of it's non-THC containing wild ditch weed. Those goddamn-ed stupid people. Surely there are better things we can be spending millions of dollars a year on. Like that fucking war or terror. I think it's about time we started another war on another brown-peopled-country. Hellz yeah. Git-r-dun.
Whelp, I've stopped making sense and no longer feel like forcing this.
million stars to, if they were mine to give. Well played, Mr. Giamatti and pals!) I've been on an early American history binge. If you've never been to John Locker check it out - it's a huge listing of streaming online documentaries. Given, a large number of them are about alien shape shifting politicians and the New World Order and other bullshit, there are a bunch of good ones in a series called 'Liberty' I have been watching. They are pretty good and very educational, and all the speaking parts are based on real letters, pamphlets, and journals. Their John Adams, however, is no Paul Giamatti. If anyone is paying attention, I would like one of those powdered wigs for X-mas, please. A nice one. One I can wear to the next Contenental Congress. Sometimes I wish I had Hypertrichosis. Then I would never need a wig...
Posts
